Questions for friends: beyond "what's new?"
In short
The best questions for friends invite a real answer instead of an update. Swap "What's new?" for a question about something they care about, a recent moment or a hope. Ask one, then stay for the answer: friendships deepen in the follow-up question, not in the first.
The questions
Instead of
What's up?What's the best thing that happened to you since we last talked?
Instead of
Busy?What are you looking forward to right now?
Instead of
How's life?What did you do this week that felt like you?
Instead of
How's work?If you could change one thing about your work tomorrow, what would it be?
Instead of
Seen anyone lately?Who do you miss? What's stopping you from calling them?
Instead of
All good?What's been heavy lately that you haven't told anyone?
Instead of
Any plans?What would you try if you knew nobody would judge you?
Instead of
We should meet up.What do you need from a friend right now: advice, company or just someone who listens?
How to use them
- Ask, then stay one more question. That's where the real answer is.
- In a group, let everyone answer and nobody comment until all have spoken.
- Use them on the phone too, they work just as well.
When the answer is a feeling
Sometimes a good question gets a feeling as an answer, and no word for it. The feelings wheel helps find one, and the listening compass helps you stay with it.
Questions about the questions
How do I have deeper conversations with friends?
Ask one open question and listen without jumping in with your own story. A second question about their answer shows you really want to know.
Are these questions okay for a group?
Yes. The gentle ones work well in groups, the deeper ones are better one to one.