Deep questions for couples: one is enough for an evening.
In short
Good questions for couples are open, specific and asked with time to listen. Instead of "How was your day?" try a question that invites a story or a feeling. One deep question on a walk or at the table, phones away, often brings you closer than a whole evening of small talk.
The questions
Instead of
How was your day?What were the best ten minutes of your day?
Instead of
Anything new?What made you smile today that I don't know about yet?
Instead of
Are you okay?What is taking up the most space in your head right now?
Instead of
Do you still love me?When did you feel closest to me this week?
Instead of
What should we do this weekend?What would make this weekend feel like ours?
Instead of
Is something wrong?Is there something you'd like more of from me, or less of?
Instead of
Where do you see us in five years?What do you want us to still be doing when we're old?
Instead of
Are you happy?What part of your life feels most like you right now? Which part least?
How to use them
- One question per evening is plenty. Stay with the answer.
- Ask to understand, not to fix. A follow-up question beats advice.
- Passing is allowed. Some questions need a better moment.
When the answer is a feeling
Sometimes a good question gets a feeling as an answer, and no word for it. The feelings wheel helps find one, and the listening compass helps you stay with it.
Questions about the questions
What are good questions to ask your partner?
Questions that start with what or when and invite a story, for example about a moment that mattered this week or something they have been thinking about lately.
How do we start if we never talk like this?
Start with the gentle level and a relaxed setting, like a walk. The deeper questions come by themselves later.